The Etiquette of the Wedding Night and Consummation
The following aspects are recommended when the man is about to consummate the marriage on the first wedding night and later during Marital life:
1. He should make his wife feel relax and comfortable by presenting to her something to drink, sweets or something similar. This is based on what is authentically narrated by Imam Ahmad from the hadith of Asmaa bint Yazeed ibn al-Sakin who said: I prepared and beautified Aishah for the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him). Then he came and I called him to see her in all her beauty. He came and sat next to her. He was brought a large cup of milk. He drank and then handed it to her. She lowered her head and was shy. Asmaa then said: I rebuked her and told her to take it from the hand of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him). She took it and drank some.
2. He should put his hand on her head and pray for her. The evidence for this is the authentic Hadith in which the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "If one of you marries a woman, he should take her by her forelock, mention Allah's name [saying, 'In the name of Allah'] and pray for blessings by saying, 'O Allah, I ask you for her good and the good of what you have dispositioned her toward and I seek refuge from her evil and the evil you have dispositioned her toward."
3. He should pray two rakats with her. This has been narrated from some of the early scholars. For instance, there is the hadith of Abu Saeed, he said,: "I invited a number of the Companions of the Prophet (peace be upon him), for my marriage...they taught me by saying, "When your wife comes to you, pray two rakats and then ask for the good of what has come to you and seek refuge from its evil. Then, it is your affair and your wife's affair."
4. It is recommended for him, before he comes to her, to purify his mouth and prevent it from having an unpleasant smell. The same is true with respect to her. Or they can use a toothbrush and toothpaste. This will make it easier for them to have good relations and come closer together. This aspect is alluded to in the hadith of Shuraih ibn Haani who said, "I asked Aishah what the Prophet (peace be upon him) would begin with when he entered her house and she said, "The tooth stick".
5. When the man desires to have intercourse with her, he should say, " In the name of Allah, O Allah, ward off Satan from us and ward off from Satan what you grant us." This has many benefits, including what the Prophet (peace be upon him) explicitly stated at the end of that hadith, "Then if Allah decrees that they should have a child, Satan will never harm him."
6. The husband may come to his wife and have sexual intercourse with her in any manner he wishes and in any position he likes as long as it is through the woman's sexual organ. This is proven by what Imam Muslim recorded in his Sahih on the authority of Jaabir who said: The Jews would say that if a man came to his wife from behind but through the vagina, the child would be cross-eyed. Then the verse was revealed, "Your wives are a tilth for you, so go into your tilth when and how you please." (Al-Baqarah 223). Al-Zuhri added in his narration, "If you wish, from in front [on top] and if you wish other than from in front, but it must always be through [the] one opening."
In a narration recorded by al-Tirmidhi, ibn Abbaas stated, "from the front and from the back but stay away from the anus and [while the woman is] menstruating". In a narration recorded by Abu Dawood, ibn Umar stated in explaining the aforementioned verse, "From in front, from behind of lying on the back, meaning through the place of the delivery of the child."
Muslim men and women must be very cautious about going against this command. A strong warning and real threat has come concerning this matter, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "Whoever has intercourse with a menstruating woman or with a woman through the anus has committed disbelief in what has been revealed to Muhammad." Ibn Abbaas was asked about a man who had intercourse through the anus of a woman and he said, "That is kufr (disbelief)."
Ibn al-Qayyim noted a number of evils associated with the act of sodomy. These include health and psychological effects upon both the man and the woman. It is an act that is hated naturally and by sound tastes.
7. It is recommended for the husband to have foreplay with his wife before sexual intercourse. In one of the narrations in Sahih al-Bukhari of the hadith of Jaabir, that he told the Prophet (peace be upon him) that he married a non-virgin. The Prophet (peace be upon him) then told him, "Why didn't you marry a virgin [from among the young women who stay in seclusion] such that you may 'kiss with her."
8. If the man fulfills his desire with his wife, he should not leave her until she also fulfills her desire, this is more fitting to engender love and good feelings between them.
9. If he finds the strength to repeat the act of sexual intercourse after he has finished, he should first make ablution as this is part of sunnah. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, "If one of you has gone to his wife [and had sexual intercourse] and he wishes to repeat the act, he should [first] make ablution."
10. When the menses come to an end, in order to remove any foul smell, the woman should follow up any traces of blood with a piece of cotton containing some musk or some perfume. This is an Islamic behavior although very few women pay attention to it. It is pointed out in the hadith where a woman asked the Prophet (peace be upon him) about ghusl [the complete bathing after menstruation] and he said, "Take some cotton with musk on it and purify yourself with it."
11. It is allowed for the husband, after he has had sexual intercourse with his wife, to sleep in the same clothes in which they had sexual intercourse. The same is true for the wife. However, this is after they have removed any bothersome substance with a rag [or tissue]. They may even pray in such clothing if they wish.
Aishah said, "If a woman is intelligent, she should have a rag with her, if her husband has sexual intercourse with her, she gives it to him to wipe himself off and then she wipes herself off, then they can pray in their clothing as long as no sexual fluid had come upon it."
Muawiyah ibn Abu Sufyaan (may Allah be pleased with him) asked Umm Habeebah (his sister and one of the wives of the Prophet (peace be upon him), "would the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) pray in the same clothing in which he had sexual intercourse with you?" She said, "Yes, if he did not see anything harmful [impure] on it."
12. It is allowed for him to see her private parts as well as for her to see his. This is based on the hadith in which Aishah said, "I used to wash myself from one bowl with the Prophet (peace be upon him) while we were in a state of sexual defilement."
13. If a man calls his wife to his bed [for the purpose of sexual intercourse] it is obligatory upon her to respond without delay, even if she is not in need of that act. This is based on the Prophet's statement, "By the One in whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, a woman does not fulfill the rights of her Lord until she fulfills the rights of her husband. Even if he calls her [to have sexual intercourse with her] while she is on a camel's saddle, she does not refuse him."
The implication is that if a husband wants to satisfy his desire with his wife and at the time she is riding on the back of a camel and it is not allowed for her to prevent him [and not respond to his call] at that time, what must be the ruling during other circumstances?
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "If a woman spends the night boycotting the bed of her husband, the angels curse her until the morning." Another narration states, "until she returns [to the bed]." Another wording in Sahih Muslim states, "By the One in whose hand is my soul, no man calls his wife to her bed and she refuses except that the One in the heaven is angry with her until he [her husband] becomes pleased with her."
It is inconceivable that a woman who believes in Allah and the Last day would, after hearing this far-reaching and effective warning, do anything but submit to it and respond by obedience to Allah and His Messenger.
14. The believer is obliged to lower his gaze. If he happens to see a woman, he should turn his sight away. If he has some feeling due to that sight, he should go to his wife in order to calm his desires, this is based on the hadith of Jaabir ibn Abdullah (may Allah be pleased with them) who said that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, "If one of you is very pleased by a woman and something occurs in his heart, he should proceed to his wife and have intercourse with her as that will repel what is in his soul." In the narration in Sunan al-tirmidhi, it states, "He should go to his wife for she has what is similar to what [the other woman] has."
15. When a man has intercourse with his wife, he will be rewarded for that act. The Prophet (peace be upon him) stated, "In having intercourse [with your wife] there is an act of charity [for which he shall be rewarded]." The people said, "O Messenger of Allah, one of us fulfills his desires and he will be rewarded for that!" He replied, "Do you not see that if he fulfills it in a forbidden way that he will have its burden? In the same way if he fulfills it in a permissible way, he shall have a reward."
Thus, sexual intercourse becomes on act of worship of the person intends by it the fulfilling of the rights of his wife and to treat her in a good manner as Allah has ordered him, seeking of a pious child, keeping himself chaste, keeping his wife chaste, keeping them from looking at, thinking about or considering what is forbidden or other sound intentions.
16. It is not allowed for either the man or woman to spread the secrets of their sexual relations and to talk about them among other men or women. The evidence for this is what was narrated by Abu Saeed al-Khudri from the Prophet (peace be upon him) who said, "Certainly among the people with the most evil position with Allah on the Day of Resurrection is a man who satisfies himself with his wife and the woman who satisfies herself with him and then they spread their private relations."
Similarly, Asmaa bint Yazeed said, "I was with the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) and the men and women were sitting. He then said, "Perhaps a man says what he has done with his wife and perhaps a woman informs others about what she did with her husband." The people remained silent. Then I said, 'By Allah, it is so, O Messenger of Allah. they [the women] do it and they [the man] do it.' He said, "Do not do so for that is similar to a devil meeting another devil in the road and he has intercourse with her while the people are watching."
17. It is recommended for him to have intercourse with her on Friday before the prayer, based on the hadith, "For whoever 'makes his wife make ghusl' and he himself makes ghusl on Friday, leaves early and timely, walks and does not ride, sits close to the mosque, and listens without doing anything that diverts his attention, he will have for every step he takes the reward of a year's worth of fasting and praying [at night]." Ibn Khuzaimah stated that the first portion of that hadith means that the person has sexual intercourse with his wife, making it obligatory upon her and him to make ghusl.
18. When travelling away from home the husband should not return to his wife unexpectedly. Instead, he should tell her when he is planning to return. The benefit of that behaviour is that the wife may prepare for her husband's return by applying make up and perfume etc... It is sanctioned for him to have sexual intercourse with his wife after he returns from a trip, especially if he had been gone for a long time.
The following hadith allude to the matters that we have just mentioned: Jaabir ibn Abdullah narrated that the Prophet(peace be upon him) said, "If one of you is gone for a long time, he should not return unexpectedly to his wife at night." The Prophet (peace be upon him) also said, "If one of you returns at night, he should not come to his wife unexpectedly until the woman whose husband has been gone can remove her pubic hairs and clean and tidy her hair by combing it."
Jaabir also said, "The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) forbade that a man returns expectedly at night to his wife, finding something that will arouse his suspicion concerning the wives or coming across some of their faults."
Ibn Hajar explained that above hadith, stating in his commentary, The one who rushes upon his household [unexpectedly] after a long absence without them realizing it will usually come across some displeasing aspects, he may find his wife unprepared with respect to being beautified in a way that is desired from a woman and that may cause some estrangement between them. He may dislike to have contact with her while she is in that state.
19. The wife must try to make herself appealing to her husband by beautifying herself for him and making herself attractive, in order for him not to shun her. One of the wives of the Prophet (peace be upon him) said to him, "O Messenger of Allah, if a woman does not beautify herself for her husband, she will not be important to him." The last part means she will become a burden upon him and he will not like to look at her.
It is authentically reported that Aishah would beautify herself for the Prophet (peace be upon him). The Prophet (peace be upon him) came upon her once and she had two silver rings. He said, "What is this, O Aishah?" She replied, "I made them in order [to wear them] to beautify myself for you, O Messenger of Allah."
1. He should make his wife feel relax and comfortable by presenting to her something to drink, sweets or something similar. This is based on what is authentically narrated by Imam Ahmad from the hadith of Asmaa bint Yazeed ibn al-Sakin who said: I prepared and beautified Aishah for the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him). Then he came and I called him to see her in all her beauty. He came and sat next to her. He was brought a large cup of milk. He drank and then handed it to her. She lowered her head and was shy. Asmaa then said: I rebuked her and told her to take it from the hand of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him). She took it and drank some.
2. He should put his hand on her head and pray for her. The evidence for this is the authentic Hadith in which the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "If one of you marries a woman, he should take her by her forelock, mention Allah's name [saying, 'In the name of Allah'] and pray for blessings by saying, 'O Allah, I ask you for her good and the good of what you have dispositioned her toward and I seek refuge from her evil and the evil you have dispositioned her toward."
3. He should pray two rakats with her. This has been narrated from some of the early scholars. For instance, there is the hadith of Abu Saeed, he said,: "I invited a number of the Companions of the Prophet (peace be upon him), for my marriage...they taught me by saying, "When your wife comes to you, pray two rakats and then ask for the good of what has come to you and seek refuge from its evil. Then, it is your affair and your wife's affair."
4. It is recommended for him, before he comes to her, to purify his mouth and prevent it from having an unpleasant smell. The same is true with respect to her. Or they can use a toothbrush and toothpaste. This will make it easier for them to have good relations and come closer together. This aspect is alluded to in the hadith of Shuraih ibn Haani who said, "I asked Aishah what the Prophet (peace be upon him) would begin with when he entered her house and she said, "The tooth stick".
5. When the man desires to have intercourse with her, he should say, " In the name of Allah, O Allah, ward off Satan from us and ward off from Satan what you grant us." This has many benefits, including what the Prophet (peace be upon him) explicitly stated at the end of that hadith, "Then if Allah decrees that they should have a child, Satan will never harm him."
6. The husband may come to his wife and have sexual intercourse with her in any manner he wishes and in any position he likes as long as it is through the woman's sexual organ. This is proven by what Imam Muslim recorded in his Sahih on the authority of Jaabir who said: The Jews would say that if a man came to his wife from behind but through the vagina, the child would be cross-eyed. Then the verse was revealed, "Your wives are a tilth for you, so go into your tilth when and how you please." (Al-Baqarah 223). Al-Zuhri added in his narration, "If you wish, from in front [on top] and if you wish other than from in front, but it must always be through [the] one opening."
In a narration recorded by al-Tirmidhi, ibn Abbaas stated, "from the front and from the back but stay away from the anus and [while the woman is] menstruating". In a narration recorded by Abu Dawood, ibn Umar stated in explaining the aforementioned verse, "From in front, from behind of lying on the back, meaning through the place of the delivery of the child."
Muslim men and women must be very cautious about going against this command. A strong warning and real threat has come concerning this matter, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "Whoever has intercourse with a menstruating woman or with a woman through the anus has committed disbelief in what has been revealed to Muhammad." Ibn Abbaas was asked about a man who had intercourse through the anus of a woman and he said, "That is kufr (disbelief)."
Ibn al-Qayyim noted a number of evils associated with the act of sodomy. These include health and psychological effects upon both the man and the woman. It is an act that is hated naturally and by sound tastes.
7. It is recommended for the husband to have foreplay with his wife before sexual intercourse. In one of the narrations in Sahih al-Bukhari of the hadith of Jaabir, that he told the Prophet (peace be upon him) that he married a non-virgin. The Prophet (peace be upon him) then told him, "Why didn't you marry a virgin [from among the young women who stay in seclusion] such that you may 'kiss with her."
8. If the man fulfills his desire with his wife, he should not leave her until she also fulfills her desire, this is more fitting to engender love and good feelings between them.
9. If he finds the strength to repeat the act of sexual intercourse after he has finished, he should first make ablution as this is part of sunnah. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, "If one of you has gone to his wife [and had sexual intercourse] and he wishes to repeat the act, he should [first] make ablution."
10. When the menses come to an end, in order to remove any foul smell, the woman should follow up any traces of blood with a piece of cotton containing some musk or some perfume. This is an Islamic behavior although very few women pay attention to it. It is pointed out in the hadith where a woman asked the Prophet (peace be upon him) about ghusl [the complete bathing after menstruation] and he said, "Take some cotton with musk on it and purify yourself with it."
11. It is allowed for the husband, after he has had sexual intercourse with his wife, to sleep in the same clothes in which they had sexual intercourse. The same is true for the wife. However, this is after they have removed any bothersome substance with a rag [or tissue]. They may even pray in such clothing if they wish.
Aishah said, "If a woman is intelligent, she should have a rag with her, if her husband has sexual intercourse with her, she gives it to him to wipe himself off and then she wipes herself off, then they can pray in their clothing as long as no sexual fluid had come upon it."
Muawiyah ibn Abu Sufyaan (may Allah be pleased with him) asked Umm Habeebah (his sister and one of the wives of the Prophet (peace be upon him), "would the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) pray in the same clothing in which he had sexual intercourse with you?" She said, "Yes, if he did not see anything harmful [impure] on it."
12. It is allowed for him to see her private parts as well as for her to see his. This is based on the hadith in which Aishah said, "I used to wash myself from one bowl with the Prophet (peace be upon him) while we were in a state of sexual defilement."
13. If a man calls his wife to his bed [for the purpose of sexual intercourse] it is obligatory upon her to respond without delay, even if she is not in need of that act. This is based on the Prophet's statement, "By the One in whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, a woman does not fulfill the rights of her Lord until she fulfills the rights of her husband. Even if he calls her [to have sexual intercourse with her] while she is on a camel's saddle, she does not refuse him."
The implication is that if a husband wants to satisfy his desire with his wife and at the time she is riding on the back of a camel and it is not allowed for her to prevent him [and not respond to his call] at that time, what must be the ruling during other circumstances?
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "If a woman spends the night boycotting the bed of her husband, the angels curse her until the morning." Another narration states, "until she returns [to the bed]." Another wording in Sahih Muslim states, "By the One in whose hand is my soul, no man calls his wife to her bed and she refuses except that the One in the heaven is angry with her until he [her husband] becomes pleased with her."
It is inconceivable that a woman who believes in Allah and the Last day would, after hearing this far-reaching and effective warning, do anything but submit to it and respond by obedience to Allah and His Messenger.
14. The believer is obliged to lower his gaze. If he happens to see a woman, he should turn his sight away. If he has some feeling due to that sight, he should go to his wife in order to calm his desires, this is based on the hadith of Jaabir ibn Abdullah (may Allah be pleased with them) who said that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, "If one of you is very pleased by a woman and something occurs in his heart, he should proceed to his wife and have intercourse with her as that will repel what is in his soul." In the narration in Sunan al-tirmidhi, it states, "He should go to his wife for she has what is similar to what [the other woman] has."
15. When a man has intercourse with his wife, he will be rewarded for that act. The Prophet (peace be upon him) stated, "In having intercourse [with your wife] there is an act of charity [for which he shall be rewarded]." The people said, "O Messenger of Allah, one of us fulfills his desires and he will be rewarded for that!" He replied, "Do you not see that if he fulfills it in a forbidden way that he will have its burden? In the same way if he fulfills it in a permissible way, he shall have a reward."
Thus, sexual intercourse becomes on act of worship of the person intends by it the fulfilling of the rights of his wife and to treat her in a good manner as Allah has ordered him, seeking of a pious child, keeping himself chaste, keeping his wife chaste, keeping them from looking at, thinking about or considering what is forbidden or other sound intentions.
16. It is not allowed for either the man or woman to spread the secrets of their sexual relations and to talk about them among other men or women. The evidence for this is what was narrated by Abu Saeed al-Khudri from the Prophet (peace be upon him) who said, "Certainly among the people with the most evil position with Allah on the Day of Resurrection is a man who satisfies himself with his wife and the woman who satisfies herself with him and then they spread their private relations."
Similarly, Asmaa bint Yazeed said, "I was with the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) and the men and women were sitting. He then said, "Perhaps a man says what he has done with his wife and perhaps a woman informs others about what she did with her husband." The people remained silent. Then I said, 'By Allah, it is so, O Messenger of Allah. they [the women] do it and they [the man] do it.' He said, "Do not do so for that is similar to a devil meeting another devil in the road and he has intercourse with her while the people are watching."
17. It is recommended for him to have intercourse with her on Friday before the prayer, based on the hadith, "For whoever 'makes his wife make ghusl' and he himself makes ghusl on Friday, leaves early and timely, walks and does not ride, sits close to the mosque, and listens without doing anything that diverts his attention, he will have for every step he takes the reward of a year's worth of fasting and praying [at night]." Ibn Khuzaimah stated that the first portion of that hadith means that the person has sexual intercourse with his wife, making it obligatory upon her and him to make ghusl.
18. When travelling away from home the husband should not return to his wife unexpectedly. Instead, he should tell her when he is planning to return. The benefit of that behaviour is that the wife may prepare for her husband's return by applying make up and perfume etc... It is sanctioned for him to have sexual intercourse with his wife after he returns from a trip, especially if he had been gone for a long time.
The following hadith allude to the matters that we have just mentioned: Jaabir ibn Abdullah narrated that the Prophet(peace be upon him) said, "If one of you is gone for a long time, he should not return unexpectedly to his wife at night." The Prophet (peace be upon him) also said, "If one of you returns at night, he should not come to his wife unexpectedly until the woman whose husband has been gone can remove her pubic hairs and clean and tidy her hair by combing it."
Jaabir also said, "The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) forbade that a man returns expectedly at night to his wife, finding something that will arouse his suspicion concerning the wives or coming across some of their faults."
Ibn Hajar explained that above hadith, stating in his commentary, The one who rushes upon his household [unexpectedly] after a long absence without them realizing it will usually come across some displeasing aspects, he may find his wife unprepared with respect to being beautified in a way that is desired from a woman and that may cause some estrangement between them. He may dislike to have contact with her while she is in that state.
19. The wife must try to make herself appealing to her husband by beautifying herself for him and making herself attractive, in order for him not to shun her. One of the wives of the Prophet (peace be upon him) said to him, "O Messenger of Allah, if a woman does not beautify herself for her husband, she will not be important to him." The last part means she will become a burden upon him and he will not like to look at her.
It is authentically reported that Aishah would beautify herself for the Prophet (peace be upon him). The Prophet (peace be upon him) came upon her once and she had two silver rings. He said, "What is this, O Aishah?" She replied, "I made them in order [to wear them] to beautify myself for you, O Messenger of Allah."
ABDUL WAHID OSMAN BELAL__________________________________________________
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{Invite (mankind, O Muhammad ) to the Way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom (i.e. with the Divine Inspiration and the Qur'an) and fair preaching, and argue with them in a way that is better. Truly, your Lord knows best who has gone astray from His Path, and He is the Best Aware of those who are guided.}
(Holy Quran-16:125)
{And who is better in speech than he who [says: "My Lord is Allah (believes in His Oneness)," and then stands straight (acts upon His Order), and] invites (men) to Allah's (Islamic Monotheism), and does righteous deeds, and says: "I am one of the Muslims."} (Holy Quran-41:33)
The prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: "By Allah, if Allah guides one person by you, it is better for you than the best types of camels." [al-Bukhaaree, Muslim]
The prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) also said, "Whoever calls to guidance will have a reward similar to the reward of the one who follows him, without the reward of either of them being lessened at all."
[Muslim, Ahmad, Aboo Daawood, an-Nasaa'ee, at-Tirmidhee, Ibn Maajah]
